a suitcase full of books

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A couple of weeks before moving, we watched Wes Anderson’s “Moonrise Kingdom.” I thought it was beautiful– the kind of beautiful where you don’t want to breathe because you might miss something. (With the exception of one scene that made me kind of uncomfortable. :S)

One of the main characters, Suzy Bishop, runs away from home, and she only packs a few things, including a record player and a suitcase full of books. She has inspired me to try blue eyeshadow.

 

She also got me thinking about my essential books, the ones I would pack if I were running away from home. We just recently moved, and we had really limited space, so I do have some experience in this department. And now, a comprehensive list on which books I would pack if I could only pack one suitcase:

1. East of Eden by John Steinbeck
This book is everything. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking, like a good story always is. It has the best lines, memorable characters, and I carried it around in my backpack for a few weeks even after I was done reading it. I have a hard time letting go of good stories.

2. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Maybe people talk about this novel too much, but I love it. All american dream arguments outside, sometimes, when I’m feeling uninspired, I just flip to the last page and read the last line:

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

After reading that line, I feel like language is worth it again. Arguably the best line in all of American literature.

3. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Again, this is a book as well-loved as it is well-hated, but I’m on the well-loving side. Like Holden, I sometimes feel like a loner and a phony, though I like to think that I’m not as angsty as he is.

4. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Because everyone needs a good love story, and the first line:

“There was no possibility of taking a walk that day.”

You’re killing me, Bronte. You’re killing me.

5. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
No bookshelf is complete without some Hemingway.

“Isn’t it pretty to think so?”

6. Looking for Alaska by John Green
I read this book in the summer between my junior and senior year of college. I had just finished my first year as an english major, and I was sooo burned out. I had read so much, and liked so little of what I had read, that I was wondering why I was studying english in the first place. Then the summer came, and I went home. I went to a thrift shop, and found this book for a dollar. Intrigued, I picked it up, and didn’t put it back down until I’d finished it. It reminded me of why I love words. It shattered my insides like only a good story can. I’m just a sucker for good stories.

And then I’d probably fill the rest of the suitcase with striped shirts, skinny jeans, and some leopard print flats ;)

on hope, beauty, and the hallmark store

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I went to the Hallmark store with my husband yesterday and saw so many beautiful things that I felt like my heart was breaking just so it could be put back together again. We had about twenty minutes before he had to go to class, and maybe having a limited amount of time is what made the experience meaningful.
I walked down every aisle with an urgency, almost a hunger, to see everything.
I wanted to smell every candle in the store and read the back of every book.
I could have stayed there forever, surrounded by beautiful things, but I knew that I had to return to my life– to a car that smells like decaying orange peels, to a college library that’s not my own, to a life so consumed by waiting that being in a rush was exhilarating just because it was different.
For that small, seemingly insignificant moment, everything was right in my world.
The store smelled like cinnamon and vanilla, like visiting home, like a first kiss, like staying in your car longer so you can listen to the end of a really good song on the radio.
Spring colors decorated the store, making everything look softer and friendlier, like nothing bad could ever happen here– like your heart would never get broken, like your car would never get towed, like you would never fail a test.
Like life wouldn’t wound you as long as you were here.

I was in front of the stationery when my throat felt like it knew my eyes were about to cry. I reached for my husband’s arm and asked, “Isn’t it beautiful?”
And it was.
Rows of paper in every color and print imaginable, with cartoon animals and inspiring words on them.
I thought of all the different kinds of people that would come into the store and purchase them, of all the phone messages, homework assignments, and even love letters that would be written on those pages.
In that moment, surrounded by potential and beauty, I finally felt at peace.
It’s strange to feel humbled by paper.

No one around me seemed to notice, and it made the moment feel even more my own. As my husband and I were about to exit, I glanced back at the stationery once more. It was still there, and I knew it would be, even when my moment of clarity was not.
Even when I felt defeated, purposeless, directionless, or even hopeless, I could take comfort in the fact that there is beauty and hope somewhere. It’s the same feeling I get when I go to the temple or when I read a really good book, the feeling that beautiful things matter because they sometimes make someone, somewhere feel, if even for a second, that everything is right in the world.

Today, the Hallmark store taught me what I think I was supposed to learn months ago when I was finally forced to slow down.
I want for my life to be beautiful.
I want to surround myself with color, fragrance, music, anything that makes me feel even a portion of what I felt today.
I want to live my life on purpose.
Getting by should not be enough when it comes to living your life.
I want to savor every moment, mean every word, love deeply, laugh more.
Life is not as orderly as the inside of a greeting card store.
It’s messy, painful, scary, sometimes heartbreaking, always uncertain, and it has the power to make you collapse on your knees and ask questions.
But that doesn’t take any of the beauty away, or makes it matter any less, even though it sometimes limits our ability to see it.
I will choose to find hope in the beauty of small things because I now know that hope can be found in the most unexpected places.

who, what, when, where, why, how?

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Who: A twenty-one year old freelance writer that recently graduated from college whose pastimes include reading, writing, planning a wedding on a limited budget that is now less than a month away, and spending too much time on Pinterest.

What: Lots of thinking about the past and the future, currently trying to ignore the present.

When: Now. New emphasis is living in the now. It’s not going great so far.

Where: Home, and mostly ack country roads where you can ignore the speed limit and actually see stars at night.

Why: Is that really a fair question? I don’t know why. Because life is hard, harder than I ever though it would be. Because I refuse to let that knowledge defeat me. Mostly because I have something to say and I’m still trying to figure out how to say it.

How: Writing. Isn’t it always?

I don’t know how to begin when people ask me where I’ve been the past month. Nowhere and everywhere, but mostly nowhere, really. I’ve been reading and writing again, trying to find myself, all those things that all those people do when they graduate college. I had just put it off for a while. I’m feeling more like myself these days, but I also feel like there’s a part of me that has been lost forever, I don’t know what, or where, or to whom. I just know that I’m not the same, and I haven’t been for some time. Maybe that’s the answer to “why?”

what do you want to be when you grow up?

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I was originally going to do a 2012 resolutions post, but then I decided against it. Dreams and goals are kind of personal, aren’t they?

When I was little, the obligatory question after, “How old are you?” was: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I always said that I wanted to be a writer.
After having spent the last few years studying writing, I realize that maybe I got the question wrong. I’m already a writer, not because the diploma that I have yet to pick up (there’s a new year’s resolution that I can share with the world– pick up my diploma!) says that I am. It’s just who I am.
But what kind of person do I want to be? 
Who do I want to be when I grow up?
I’m terrified of waking up one day and realizing that I don’t like who I am. I have those days sometimes, and I’m tired of them. I’m tired of making excuses about why I’m not who I want to be.  I don’t actually think that the world will end in 2012, but just in case, I want to be prepared.
I want to know that I did my best, that I didn’t waste my time on things that didn’t matter. I want everyone I love to know how much I love them. I want to learn to be happy with what I have. I want to laugh more than I complain. I want to express gratitude daily. I want to eat cupcakes and not feel guilty about them. I want to spend more time doing what I love. I want to do something that I’m afraid of. I want to stop pretending that I don’t care.
I want to become the kind of person who lives in the moment but still plans for the future, who loves without fear of getting hurt, who genuinely cares about others, who isn’t afraid of going after what they want, who knows at least a little about a lot of things, who knows what true friendship is, who values their family above all else, who makes others feel special, who excels at something, who knows who they are.
I hope I get there someday, but for now, I will focus on today. 

As for my dreams and my goals for this year– that’s kind of personal, isn’t it? 

playlist ’11

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The following songs were listened to at least 470847584508 times during the past year, give or take a couple hundred. They will probably always remind me of this year, these changes, and this moment.

 

  • “Who Says” by Selena Gomez & the Scene

Selena Gomez and the Scene got me through some tough times– two sets of finals week, my friends moving away, looking for a job… Through it all, Selena was there, as was the Scene, to ask me over and over again, “Who says?” Who says I can’t pass the test? Who says I can’t be the best? The truth, Selena, is that sometimes I say that I’m not star potential. Most of my summer was spent driving down the 405 while blasting Selena and wishing that we were friends so she could tell me that I had every right to a beautiful life.

 

  • “The Cave” by Mumford & Sons

I once listened to this song six times in a row while trying to parallel park. This song is really good and my parking skills are really bad.

 

  • “The One that Got Away” by Katy Perry

I only like Katy Perry when she’s talking about lost love. And, if seeing an old white-haired Katy Perry hallucinating on the edge of a cliff isn’t enough to make you want to take a chance, I don’t know what is.

 

  • “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele

Adele has had an amazing year. I wonder if she feels like Britney Spear’s alter ego in the beginning of Britney’s “Lucky” music video. I just wish her songs were easier to sing along to.

 

  • “You and I” by Ingrid Michaelson

Is there a better song to fall in love to? I don’t think so.

 

  • “Mr. Know It All” by Kelly Clarkson

Oh, Kelly. I’m glad you’re back. How I missed you.


  • “Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato

It’s been a rough year for our Demi, but she came back stronger than ever. You can totally hang out with Selena and me, and we’ll constantly remind you of how worth it you are. Maybe the Scene can come too, but only if they’re nice to you.

 

  • “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay

This song came out as a free download on iTunes just in time for it to become my December soundtrack. I direct the music video in my head sometimes, and it’s great.

 

  • “Paradise” by Coldplay

I’m sorry, but can we just talk about how much I love Coldplay? I know that Coldplay has sort of become the Nickelback of alternative rock, so I had planned to stick them in here unceremoniously in the hopes that no one would notice, but I don’t think there’s any reason to hide anymore.. I love them in a woul

d-totally-go-to-one-of-their-concerts-and-buy-one-of-their-shirts-and-wear-it-on-top-of-whatever-else-I-was-wearing-even-if-it-made-my-clothes-look-bulky-and-then-take-pictures-and-put-them-on-facebook-and-use-their-song-lyrics-as-the-caption way. I wish I could quit you, Coldplay. I wish I could quit you.

 

*editor’s note: these are in no particular order; they were all loved equally at some point in time